3rd year.
In the 3rd year of schooling 
in the beginning of a third decade
on earth,
I reflect again on the past
and where i could be if I had not 
decided to change 
what my life could be.
...If I had not decided what I had
in the past, where would I be?

In times of reflection, in uncertainty of my past choices, of relief from
the returns of a good decision, I ask myself many "what ifs?"  I wrote
that thought last year, after I had moved to a new school.  But the fact
remains, as my words can tell you in the middle of that message: I had
decided upon a life change.  That change was not merely a change in schools 
of where I wanted to receive an education, it was a change in environment;
an uprootment again from a place I had become familiar with.

This change two years ago was not the first time I had experienced a
change in environment.  As refugees, we know that change can come upon us
as well as us making that active change.  For many of us who left Muang
Lao, we needed to change our setting, and turn our hopes toward something,
to some other place that may be better.  We can look back on it now and
ask: was it for the better?

When I think of the decisions that I have made to change my environment, I
think of that day when I left home to attend college in another state.  As
I took my cues from my parents, who had become more open, yet not blindly
open, to change, I decided to go out into a world unknown.  I needed to
"go out and discover," with my wide-eyed self, what was out there, and
at the same time, what was inside of me, waiting to come out.  Often, when
we live in an environment too comfortable, we tend to stay.  Yet by
staying, we cannot challenge ourselves to the unknown.  Fear of change is
not uncommon.  Yet I sought change, for an instinct told me it would bring
new things that a "comfortable" environment could not bring me.

Looking back, that change was good for me.  Changing my environment, and a
the same time, being in a university setting, helped open my eyes to what
else was going on in the world.  It was not so much the academics of the
school, or what I learned enclosed among the four walls of a classroom;
I opened my world view by meeting different people with different
perspectives.  I learned about the city and region around me as it was
changed by ousiders like me.  Yet as I became comfortable again, and as I
learned my way around a new environment, and became comfortable with the
people, I opted for another change.  

So again, I changed my world another time, making a decision to come here
to my second school.  I have had to re-learn everything, being in a new
place.  The life here is different; the people; the expectations at the
academic level.  There were times when I felt that I should not have
changed schools, because I would ask myself, "things were good there, why
did I have to move?"  But I end up answering myself, yes, they were good,
but good enough is never reason to just stay. 

With change brings starting anew, which can be good. With change, there is
that chance that life will not be as comfortable, or as "good" as life
before.  When we have made decisions that involve change, sometimes, we
look back and wonder, could we ever go back?  But the act of changing
places has changed us, so we will never be able to return to that same
place.  

I urge all of you to follow your instincts and not to be afraid of
changing your world, through whatever channel that may be, and as well,
not to be too resistant against new forces of change.  Someone once said,
you must be like bamboo, strong that it won't break when bent, yet
flexible enough to waiver in the wind.

************************************************************************
soudary kittivong
senior, university of california, santa barbara