Satjadham Presents:    

                        Lost Feelings  
            by Syripanmokone (Sonny) Nhouyvanisvong

    "I grew up in a lonely, small town, where bleached white snow
covered the hills during the long, harsh winters."  These words echoed
in my head many times.  I not only wanted to be an American, I didn't
want to be a Lao.  It was not that being Lao was bad, but being American
or being like them was much better.  They were modern.  I came from a
primitive society compared to theirs; therefore I felt I must change and
be part of that society.  In no way did I want to be referred as a
Laotian: I did not want to be related to those primitive people.  I made
a conscious effort to be "American," and at the same time I was losing
my identity as a Laotian.  i didn't value the customs or the traditions
of my people.  I didn't care for Laos or the people living there; it
became "over thre," the far and untouchable place that I had tried so
hard to forget.

    I carried these feelings with me for almost nine years.  I came to
America at the age of 12.  Having lived in a small town in Southwestern
Minnesota, where I was surrounded by and grew up with Americans -- how
else could I have felt?  By participating in sports like track and
football, I was able to feel like I belonged because the guys treated me
like one of them.  I was very proud and happy to be an American.

    Today, at the age of 21, I am still proud of that fact that I am
very Americanized.  My feelings have now changed -- not toward being an
American, but toward being more Laotian.  I am relearning what Laos was,
and I am learning what Laos is today.  I am watching videotapes of Laos,
listening to Lao music, participating in Laotian dances and just doing
the "Lao" thing.

    I am very excited that I have regenerated my interest and genuine
love for Laos and the Laotian people -- my people.  I am interested in
the political situation, the economic situation, and the condition of
Laos as a whole.  I even fear that Laos as a country my not exist in the
future.  The Communists might change the name or combine the Communists
countries in Southeast Asia into one nation.  My identity, the integral
part of my past, would then be lost.

    Two years ago I would not have been able to relate or identify with
these kinds of feelings.  I now speak proudly of the country of my
origin -- Laos.  I am no longer embarrassed to introduce myself as a
Laotian, as a person who came from a small, poor country in Southeast
Asia, a place not many people have heard of.  I am no longer ashamed to
speak aloud publicly in my native tongue.  i used to look around and
check to see if anyone was listening before I would speak in my
language; otherwise I would whisper.  I have rediscovered that it is a
very beautiful, soft-spoken language and I really love it.

    Laos is no longer a far, untouchable country but a country that bore
my being and made me who I am.  Laos is not just my past, it is also my
present, and maybe my future.  It is part of my life.  If you were to
ask me where I came from, I would reply eloquently, "I came from Laos, a
small but beautiful country, rich in friendly though humble people.  I
really miss it."

-----
This piece was originally published in a compilation of "Asian" stories
entitled "Passages".

Thoughts and comments are warmly welcomed.  
Please post them to SCL or to laolit@tuddy.cc.monash.edu.au