Return To ParentingMatters Go to Message [Bridging the Generation Gap] Boaard: Parenting Support BRIDGING THE GENERATION GAP: ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING Go to Main Contents By Barbara A. Mendenhall, M.F.C.C. of LifeMatters Magazine Index The basket of bathtub toys has been collecting dust in the cupboard for maybe five, six years now. He dresses himself, remembers to bathe, makes his lunch, gets ready for bed and sleeps when he's tired. His life is a strobe of furious activity intersper sed with periods of intense sloth. The phone is his personal domain, and special dispensation or dire emergency is required to wrest it from his grasp. You have a teenager. Most of the moments of his day take place beyond your vision and outside your kn owledge. Except what he tells you about. What does he tell you, anyway? Are you living with a stranger, or do you still know this person? The answer is an equation. Your part + his part = the relationship. It's about all the influence you have now. Here are just a few tips for how to make the most of it. Cop an attitude. An attitude of respect and faith is contagious. Kids tend to see themselves the way their parents see them, so when you respect their ability to make decisions, learn from outcomes and survive mistakes and adversity, this is stre ngthening to them. Self-respect and faith in self are cornerstones of self-esteem. Enjoy them. The humor, energy and sense of possibility teenagers often have can reawaken parents to sides of themselves they had forgotten or neglected. (This is not always a happy event. If you find yourself dealing with unresolved issues from you r own teenage years, you might want to get some support from friends or professionals to work it out so you don't visit your "stuff" upon your kid.) When kids experience themselves as likable, they usually act more likeable. Listen way more than you talk. Adopt an attitude of curiosity rather than trying to control or manipulate her thinking. Ask questions like, "How so? What do you think now? Were you surprised? Now what will you do? Index What's your plan? Is this some thing you want help with?" If your object is only to listen, you won't be preparing your response while she's still talking. You'll hear better that way, and she'll be encouraged to talk more. Ask whether he wants to hear it before sharing your point of view. Only proceed if he says "yes." Then be brief, don't lecture, and don't expect him to agree with you. If you state your case with a "This is what makes sense to me" attitude as oppo sed to "This is the only right way to see things," he can listen more openly instead of planning his rebellion. If you want respect, respect yourself. This is how kids learn what respect looks like, not by hearing you insist upon it with words. Say no when asked for something you simply do not want to do or give. You don't always have to have a good reaso n. She may be mad but she won't be scarred for life. (Refusing calmly without guilt is one of the most valuable skills a child can have modeled for her.) Don't listen to abusive language; if she won't modify her words, remove yourself till you're both co oled down. Index To teach respect, show respect. Treat him as you want to be treated. Speak to your child as you would to a friend, even when you are upset with him. Request instead of demanding. Ask instead of telling. Make agreements instead of dictating rul es. Involve him in deciding; don't decide for him. Accept that his priorities and perspectives may be completely different from yours. This is normal. Remember that hypocrisy and double standards are some of the biggest buggaboos for teenagers. Don't expect them to follow rules you don't follow yourself. Whether it's about checking in by phone, putting things away, or drinking out of the milk carton, "Do as I say and not as I do" will not improve the relationship. Think "we" instead of "you"."We have chores to do before we can leave the house; how can we take care of what needs to be done?" or "Since spills seem to happen, let's not eat or drink in the living room." (As opposed to, "Since you spilled, you c an't eat in there.") Any way you can get across the message, "We're in this together," bridges the gap that conflicts might otherwise create. Don't catastrophize, you'll lose your credibility. Instead of "You're ruining your life!" say, "I'm concerned about what might happen if . . . What do you suppose you might do in a case like that?" Relax. What you're seeing is a grand experimen t. It's not who he is or how he'll be forever. Admit your own mistakes and talk about what you are learning from them. Showing self-acceptance and tolerance of imperfection in this way is very encouraging to kids (as well as other people around you) and tends to make you easier to approach wit h questions, regrets and challenges. Apologize when you wish you had done or said something differently, like losing your cool and saying something mean during an argument. Let go of the things which don't affect YOUR life, like friends, clothes, music, school and diet. If you save your energy for setting limits and following through firmly and kindly for things which do affect you directly and you really can control, he's much more likely to be receptive, and learn more about life and relationships. This would include enlisting participation in household tasks like cooking and cleaning, not doing more driving around than you're really willing to, and sticking to a bu dget for clothes and entertainment. (Better yet, give him a monthly allowance or let him get a job so he can budget.) If you can avoid taking his behavior personally (thinking everything he does is a reflection on you as a parent), you'll have an easier time staying out of his business. For lots more tips on building a mutually respectful, cooperative relationship with your teenager, check out Positive Discipline for Teenagers by Lynn Lott & Jane Nelsen. Barbara Mendenhall is a Marriage, Family and Child Counselor practicing in Petaluma, CA and has been Executive Director of Family Education Centers in Sonoma Index [Image] County, CA since 1990. She can be reached at , Family Education Centers, 629 East D Street, Petaluma, CA (707)762-8835, shwrsngr@aol.com --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Image] copyright 1996 WORLDWORKS worldworks@lifematters.com [Image]