Stopping the War Between Parents and Children by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin and Carol Delzer from their new book, Positive Discipline for Single Parents. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lectures, punishments, and shaming are just a few of the weapons parents use against their children for the "good cause" of helping them behave well and adopt good values. The casualties of this war are discouraged children with low self-esteem, children who haven't been listened to and taken seriously, and who haven't learned to develop their own wisdom and problem-solving skills. These children don't have a sense of belonging and significance, and some of them often act out and rebel. Others become "pleasers," finding friends and spouses who will continue to tell them what to do. Sheila is a single parent who wanted to end the war with her three children. She decided to get some help by attending a parenting class, where she learned about the importance of getting into the child's world. She had an opportunity to practice some of the skills she had learned when she discovered that her son Jake, an eighth grader, had been suspended from school for calling the teacher names. When Sheila walked into the den, she found Jake sitting in front of the television set with a sullen look on his face. Sheila took a deep breath and asked, "Jake, could we talk about the problem you are having at school?" Jake looked up from his program and belligerently said, "Yeah, I guess." Sheila fought back the urge to dive right into the problem and smiled. "I can tell you're not real excited to talk to me about this. I'll bet it's because you're used to hearing lectures from me instead of having us really talk and listen to each other." Now Sheila had her son's attention_he was obviously surprised to hear his mother admit she lectured. Sheila noticed his interest and continued with a laugh, "I confess. I'm guilty of lecturing and not listening. I really don't want to do that anymore. I'll bet you feel like I don't really care about you when I lecture and scold. The truth is that I care very much. Would you give me another chance so I can show you that talking with each other doesn't include lectures or judgments from me?" Jake didn't know what to think now; this was new territory. It felt nice to have his mom be so understanding, but he wasn't sure he could trust this new approach. He answered again, hesitantly, "Yeah, I guess." Sheila relaxed a bit. She said gently, "Tell me what is going on from your point of view. I really want to hear your side of the story." Jake was still uncertain and he decided to take refuge in his television program. "It's okay, Mom," he said, turning his gaze back to the TV. "I can handle it." Sheila felt a surge of compassion for her son, and her love for him began giving her clues on how to proceed. She put all of her love for Jake into her voice and said calmly, "I'm sure you can handle the problem, one way or another. I'd still like to hear your side of what happened." Jake looked up and met his mother's eyes. There was a pause, and then he blurted out, "Those teachers are jerks. They don't like me." Now there was anger in his voice. "Could you give me an example of what you mean?" his mother replied. "What do they do to act like jerks and give you the impression that they don't like you?" This was getting a bit uncomfortable for Jake, and he retreated again. "Don't worry about it. I can handle it." After a moment, he added in a quiet voice, "I've already decided I don't want to get kicked out of school." Sheila tried not to let her relief show too much. "Frankly, I'm glad that's important to you. You are important to me, and I would still like to know what is really going on from your point of view. I have some hunches. I don't know if they're right, but would it be okay with you if I make some guesses? I have more than one guess. You can let me know if I'm off base. Okay?" Jake felt encouraged by Sheila's friendly manner. This allowed him to let down his defensiveness and be curious about her guesses. However, his vocabulary hadn't improved. He said, "Yeah, I guess." Goal Disclosure Sheila had begun a process developed by Rudolf Dreikurs (1) called "goal disclosure." During this process an adult makes guesses to discover the child's mistaken goal. When done in a friendly manner, goal disclosure can help a child feel understood. Children are not consciously aware of their mistaken goal, and awareness can be the beginning of change. The "Four Steps of Goal Disclosure" are: 1. Ask the child why he or she is doing a specific behavior. Be ready for the usual answer: "I don't know." 2. Ask permission to guess why. Most children will give permission if you have demonstrated friendliness and genuine caring. 3. Ask, "Could it be ______?" regarding each mistaken goal until you get a "yes" or a recognition reflex. A recognition reflex occurs when a child says "no" but can't suppress a smile. The smile is saying "yes" while the voice says "no." When you get a recognition reflex, respond by saying, "You say no, but your smile tells me that could be the reason. Would you be willing to work with me on some solutions?" 4. Have fun brainstorming possible solutions. As we continue the story of Sheila and Jake, you will see how Sheila continues to use the process of goal disclosure: Sheila made her first guess to discover what his mistaken goal might be. "Could it be that getting in trouble with the teachers is a good way to get my attention and make me spend some time with you?" Jake's answer was prompt. "No way." (This eliminated the mistaken goal of attention.) Sheila said, "Well, let me try another guess. Could it be that you are showing me that no one can boss you around or make you do anything you don't want to do?" This guess got Sheila an exasperated sigh. "That would be a dumb reason for getting into trouble." (This eliminated the mistaken goal of power.) Sheila paused for a moment; this was the hard one. "Could it be that you feel hurt and angry at me for divorcing your dad, and getting into trouble is a good way to hurt back?" Jake caught his breath, and for a brief moment he looked like he had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Then he asked defiantly, "Are you and Dad ever going to get back together?" (Jake's expression and his reply showed Sheila that she had discovered the mistaken goal: revenge.) Sheila sighed, and sat down next to her son. "Honey, I can see how much this has hurt you_and I'm so sorry. Your Dad and I are not going to get back together. I wish it didn't have to hurt you so much, but I know it does. You don't have to keep it to yourself. You can tell me how angry you are. I will listen." His mother's understanding had broken down Jake's inhibitions, and now he finally said what he felt. "If you hadn't been such a bitch to Dad, you could still be married." Sheila felt stung, and tears came to her eyes. But she realized that to respond by defending herself or by striking back would close the door she and her son had just so painstakingly opened. "Ouch," she said quietly. "That one really hurt. You must really hate me sometimes." Jake got tears in his own eyes as he struggled with the strong, complex emotions in his heart. He did hate his mom sometimes, but he also loved her a lot. Sheila guessed what he was feeling; she put her arms around him and said, "It's okay, honey. I know you love me too. It can be a real bind when we both hate and love someone." She laughed, "Sometimes I feel that way about you, too." Jake seemed visibly relieved. He didn't realize it, but he had been feeling guilty and confused about his feelings. He hadn't known what to do with all his hurt and anger, but somehow his feelings didn't seem so bad when they were out in the open and he knew his mom felt the same way sometimes. Sheila continued, "I can't change your feelings, and I don't want to. Everyone has a right to their feelings. I'd like to talk with you later about some things we could do to solve some of the problems that come up. Would you be willing to do that with me?" Jake grinned and said, "Yeah, I guess." Sheila used goal disclosure (by making guesses to reveal the mistaken goal) to help them both understand the hidden belief behind Jake's behavior. Jake felt hurt and wanted to hurt back, even though he wasn't aware of it. All too often, parents deal with their children's symptoms (their problems and misbehavior) without understanding the cause (their beliefs and feelings). Taking time to understand a child's feelings may make a tremendous difference in your approach to a problem_and to finding a solution. Some people may ask, "But what about the problem of the suspension and talking back to teachers?" Sheila was wise enough to know that simply disclosing the belief behind the behavior in a friendly, accepting manner often is enough to eliminate the misbehavior. When Jake feels better about himself and his mother (a process this conversation helped begin), he will feel less need to get revenge. If the problem occurs again, Sheila has laid a foundation for problem-solving that focuses on solutions instead of punishment. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Image]Send comments to Empowering People. [Free Newsletter || Articles || Workshops || Lectures || Products || Home]