From ksaycoci@nermal.santarosa.eduMon May 22 22:23:22 1995
Date: 23 MAY 95 00:15:47 GMT 
From: Satjadham <ksaycoci@nermal.santarosa.edu>
Newsgroups: soc.culture.laos
Subject: a broken wing 

Satjadham presents:

                        A broken wing

       In 1985, I frequented their house. Almost every week,
  they would Soum Khao (an act of having one's friends to
  come and eat at one's house). Friends from near and far
  dropped by as usual. The husband, a rather skinny man of
  thirty something, like to eat Larb, Koi, and Tam Mark Houng.
  The wife, a voluptous woman of equal age, hated to do those
  stuffs but had no choice.

  	Back in Laos, she was a schoolteacher living most of
  the time in the big city, and enjoyed the fast lane.
  Compared to her, he was Kon Bane Nork living in the outskirt
  of Vientiane. His main profession was Het Na, and he was
  quite Kon Bulane. Though consisted of different
  temperaments, their union produced three beautiful kids -
  one boy and two girls, and their love seemed to be stable.
  Was it?

  	In 1993, my mom told me that she went away with a man
  with similar taste - party, dance, and eating out. One thing
  that struck me instantly was: maybe she was fed up with the
  tiresome cooking. Worse, she didn't take any kids with her.
  What a shocking blow to the tradition indeed. To tell the truth,
  I didn't know what to say (she was my cousin). As a Phu Sai Lao, I
  sympathized with the husband who, to my knowlege, was an okay
  husband. Nevertheless, she had justified reasons to leave
  him. After all, this was the land of "follow your heart".
  What I concerned most was their kids. How were they going to
  cope with this unexpected change in their lives?

  	By involving the kids, the issue of Phu Sai and Phu
  Gning Lao takes another dimension which I will touch later.
  First, let's look at why Phu Sai Lao take it for granted
  that Phu Gning Lao has to bury their faces in the kitchen. A
  common recurrence seems to come in this form: what do we eat
  today?  Larb or Koi? What Phu Sai Lao hardly realize is these
  things take hours to get fixed. For the families who have
  little kids, it becomes another burden adding to the
  wearysome duty of taking care of the kids.It might be okay
  in Laos because this is the tradition that we are used to.
  But, here in the US, Phu Sai Lao have to share the dubious joy of
  cooking and taking care of the kids. Otherwise, one day, when
  they come back home, they will find that their wives have
  already left them.

	Now, let's look at Phu Gning. At first glance, it seems justified
that Phu Gning Lao leave their husbands due to the so-called improper
treatment such as being Phu Sai's slaves for cooking and taking care of
the kids. Here, in Santa Rosa - a small community of Lao people, the rate of
Phu Gning Lao leaving their husbands is unbelievable. What is so
shocking the most is one Phu Gning Lao goes with one Phu Sai Lao who,
in return, leaves her husband and his wife respectively.

	Looking deeper, I find that a majority of Phu Gning Lao
mistakes the priviledge of freedom which they have never had to be
associated with dumping their husbands at their own whim. Even in my
case, my wife threathens to dump me who shares both the cooking and
taking care of the kids. To be straightforward, Phu Gning Lao have to
remind themselves that they hold not only the heart of Phu Sai Lao who
love them dearly but the innocent lives of their kids also.

	Early this year, my mom informed me that my cousin's daughters
who were teenagers left home with their boyfriends. A pattern of
unconventional way of Phu Gning Lao is somewhat set. It was so sad indeed
because no sides want to take some time out to understand one another, and
then compromise for the betterment of their kids. I thought if my cousin's
husband realized the new situation he was in, the marriage would have a
better chance to be saved. Now, everything was screwed up, nobody knew what
kind of lives would lie ahead for these kids.

	As a concerned Lao, I wish that Phu Gning and Phu Sai Lao turn
their faces together. If they could manage their differences, they have a
lot to give to this society which is destroyed by the issue of divorce
and the effects of divorce on kids.

	This summer, I will meet my cousin again for the first time in 7
years. Still, I couldn't decide what to say to her. To congratulate her
on her newly-found life? or to reprimand her for leaving such a devoted
and faithful husband and her innocent kids to go astray? If you were in
my position, what would you say? Tell me.

Hak phaang,
Kongkeo Saycocie

P.S. Please send any comments to <laolit@tuddy.monash.cc.edu.au