Satjadham presents: Left my heart in Laos I drive a black Honda Accord home after picking up my two kids at my parent-in-laws. I don't know what to say, it is like dreaming... The trees, the parked cars, the houses which line up along both sides of the street appear strange - not the ones these two eyes are used to, though I pass this same street hundred of times. Instead, they look like something that is implanted from the outer space... Yes, I think to myself. I've been here for almost 10 years but still I couldn't make myself feel at home... people, language, food, custom and almost anything separate me from the ambiance I am comfortable with. Everywhere I look around besides my own living space is filled with strangeness. Yes, I could communicate but words just drop dead before they are able to reach the other's heart. I don't know why I feel that way. In fact, I should be happy because I live in a free country. I could speak, read and write whatever I want within the large frame of a permissible law. To me, as a self-appointed intellectual, that's a precious gift though hardly no one is going to listen to my voice, not to mention the difference that it is going to make. Besides, I got a lovely wife, two little smart kids, a decent job and a degree from one of the finest university in the country. But still, I find that there is a big hole of emptiness inside my heart. Simply stated, something of substance is missing. I ask mysef: what is the most important thing in life? Drive an elegant car, live in a luxury house, and work for a high-paying job? Or is there something else? If it is the latter, what is it? I am at a loss. I remember the night when I rode a train home from U.C.Berkeley a number of years ago. The bright lights of San Francisco on the far side made me think of our people back home. Most live in the dimly-lit houses, poorly educated; and the most important thing is they need educated people like you and me to make a difference for them... What a big contrast! Here, they are rich and real high-tech. They don't care about me (should I say about you too?). In fact, they don't even need me (you too?). They have more than enough a supply of educated people. But why am I still here? just to better off myself and forget about our poor country? Or am I here for a destiny? I really don't know. After I got home, I rush to my computer, get hooked to the internet, and here I am with my mind set in SCL, my body in the US, and my heart left in Laos. Maybe, this is my destiny which I have to come to terms with, at least for the present moment. And maybe, this is the place that I feel belonged, wanted and not in the dreamlike state anymore. Only time will tell! Hak phaang Kongkeo Saycocie Any comment? Please post it at SCL, or email it to